The Angry Sportsfan

The Peyton Conspiracy

Does Peyton Manning’s release from the Colts really surprise anybody? Sure, the eternal optimists in the back row wanted Peyton to retire a one-team man, but like any relationship, shit got real ugly when one of the people involved just started throwing everything that belonged to both them into the trash. And why is there another team’s number in here, HUH PEYTON?! Care to explain that? No, you know what? Don’t. Just don’t. I don’t even care. We are THROUGH!

To be fair to Colts owner Jim Irsay, Peyton did neglect to give him the full rundown on his ‘boo-boo.’ The lies led to poorly-timed surgeries, which eventually led to Peyton having to sit out, which led to Irsay realizing how much he really needed Peyton… but he still told him to go sit & twist anyway. Sure, the tears at the press conference were sincere, but both men know what they each said to the media. Put it on ice, and in time… things will be back to how they used to be.

And meanwhile, Ryan Leaf sits in a trailer park eating tuna out of a can, using the lid as a silverware. Oh destiny, you fickle whore!

The ties that bind can only be tied so tight over time. Peyton’s doomsday was predicated before the lockout even ended — we just didn’t know it yet. The Colts are an old horse, one that needs to breed new talent so Irsay can lead the Jeff Saturdays, the Dallas Clarks and the Dwight Freeneys out to pasture. However, try to take Adam Vinatieri out to pasture and he will end you (remember that Snickers commercial?!).

Blame it on Dan “The Unluckiest Man in the World” Orlovsky or even Curtis “Spicoli” Painter (the irony being his last name should have been his first clue), but the Colts’ trouble lied in the fact that Peyton was the reason that team was competitive.

Jim Caldwell was a lame duck coach and fell into that position through Tony Dungy & Peyton Manning (and his own blind loyalty), and Bill Polian was unjustly blamed — and once Peyton saw Irsay’s overreaction to something he had escaped for over a decade… it was the nail in the coffin. Someone just had to pull the fucking trigger.

Listen, Peyton knows what he’s doing. As long as he’s healthy, he’s hungry enough to win and he can make just about any team competitive. He just watched his little brother collect his second Lombardi trophy at his own house against his bitter rival, and all everyone can talk about his how old and noodle-armed he’ll be from now on. Wouldn’t you be ready to kick the shit out of everybody’s face in the NFL?

While our only real evidence of his throwing ability thus far is a 30-second clip of grainy Zapruder film, there are a ton of teams ready & waiting to see how healthy Peyton is and if he can raise himself from the dead like a Favre zombie. Right now, depending on how well he can throw and how long he can play is what will determine the future for nearly every NFL team out there. The Rams await to trade their #2 pick (to either Washington or Cleveland, so they can snag RG3 and be perpetually disappointed by his Michael Vick playing style), but with so many teams rumored to be interested in Peyton, I thought I’d run through them and give you my theories on who is in and who is out.

Washington Redskins: Peyton’s dealt with a nosy owner before, so Daniel Snyder may not be much of an improvement. In fact, he’s a goddamn cancer and every misfortune within the Redskins’ organization the last decade has been on account of his arrogance and deliberate overspending. Mike Shanahan has only one more season left to prove his worth, and after the Donovan McNabb fiasco, he may not want to sign another veteran QB with risks attached to him. Granted, McNabb and Manning are very, very different, but McNabb was 35 when he signed with Washington, only to be given a lucrative extention before he was released because he suuuuuuucked. Peyton also tends to run the offense, which Mike’s son, Kyle does. Will that go over well with either Shanahan? I say no. Micro-managing when your job is on the line could be too risky. Sure, Shanahan has experience with amazing QBs late in their career, but to be a Redskin is to surrender; it’s a team where talent goes to die. The ‘Skins are better off hedging their bets in the draft and trying to score RG3 from Baylor and make a worthy attempt at being creative… and just starting over.

Kansas City Chiefs: Chiefs owner Clark Hunt recently stated Matt Cassel is the Chiefs’ starter for opening day. That’s unfortunate, because he is awful. Head coach Romeo Crennel however, said he’d be crazy to not consider the idea of adding Peyton to the team. Kansas City has been a frustrating team to many, but to see them waste their time on Cassel is especially frustrating after it’s proven to be fruitless. Kansas City couldn’t even win a mostly-horrible AFC West in 2011, even with Tim Tebow, Carson Palmer and the always-a-bridesmaid Chargers barely making it to the finish line. This is a recurring pattern for the Chiefs, so the smart thing to do would be to invest in a proven quarterback. Thing is, GM Scott Pioli doesn’t believe in “breaking the bank” on one guy. That’s the only way to lure Peyton to Kansas City. They should have stuck it out with Kyle Orton… although there’s a good chance he’ll still be around come training camp.

New York Jets: First off, the media would reason numero uno for Peyton to stay away. Or maybe not. Maybe he wants the attention. Or maybe not. For our own sanity, I sure as hell hope the mythos behind Peyton’s “routine” is true and that he fucking hates the media hoopla. Forget the Favre hangover — the real problem would indeed be he flood of media, co-existing with Eli (even though they wouldn’t play one another until 2015) and playing in the same division as (eek!) Tom Brady. Mark Sanchez could use someone other than Mark Brunell as a mentor, and yeah, Rex Ryan would revel in the arrival of his own superstar that would finally get him to that land he promised to be in by now. But nope, uh-uh, not happening. Forget Rex’s personality or penchant for defense, or even Mark Sanchez playing like a backup for Temple’s practice squad — Peyton cannot play comfortably in a media spotlight around his brother and his rival. It’d be worse than Favre’s tenure there, and methinks Peyton already knows that.

Minnesota Vikings: Hey, it worked once before. Reel in an old, desheveled veteran star QB, he brings you close to prosperity… and we all know how that ended. So can Peyton be the savior that completes the circle of life that Favre couldn’t? The Vikes panicked last year when they drafted Christian Ponder. They didn’t expect Tennessee to get Jake Locker so early, so they did what they thought they had to. And maybe Ponder was a good pick — for later on. Peyton doesn’t seem to me like he’d look good in purple, but to bring the franchise their first post-merger Super Bowl championship? With a new stadium coming, it’d be sweeter than Ricky Rubio’s face (seriously, what a cutie pie — in a totally straight way, alright?). He would go down as a legend in two states and he could compete with three pretty good teams. The challenge of playing Matthew Stafford, Aaron Rodgers and Jay Cutler twice a year has to be appealling. Also, the challenge of, well, turning that team around would be nice, too. The Vikes actually competed last season, coming close to winning against good teams (unless they played in their division). Leslie Frazier, a good friend of Tony Dungy, would practically hand him the offense and tell him, “When in doubt, you have the best runner in the league behind you.” I’d say the Vikings have to look good, if they have the money to back it up.

Buffalo Bills: Listen, I know it’s practically a joke to include every goddamn team in the AFC North except the Patriots, but the Bills actually have a solid starter in Ryan Fitzpatrick. The team is young and still adapting to Chan Gailey’s coaching style. They’ll catch up eventually after tripping over their toes midway through 2011, but if Peyton could outdo any one ex-Bill, it’d be Jim Kelly. And all he’d have to do is win one game: the Super Bowl.

Seattle Seahawks: All the pieces are there offensively. Sidney Rice, Marshawn Lynch, Zack Miller — and the defense is plentyful (plus, they will contend hard for Mario Williams). The market is small and tucked away, the front office is vibrant and exciting, the owner has deep pockets and stays out of the way… oh yeah, and the team physician is the chair of the NFL’s Head, Neck and Spine committee. Some suggest Seattle keeps with GM John Schneider’s idea to build through the draft, but at this point, they’re really an elite QB away from giving San Francisco a run for its money. Brock Osweiler or Ryan Tannehill aren’t going to help right now, and Pete Carroll certainly can’t wait on his crush Matt Barkley (who is almost guaranteed to be 2013’s #1 pick). Carroll would be more than willing to give the reigns to Peyton, offensive coordinator Darrell Bevell worked with Brett Favre when he came into Minnesota (so there’s some correllation there) and while Tarvaris Jackson did a suitable job last season, he won’t get you where you need to go. I was going to make a tasteless driving stereotype joke here, but I’ve actually seen TJack drive, and he did pretty well. Let someone go ahead of him, used a turn signal and braked accordingly for a line of ducklings crossing the street. He even helped one drink from a puddle. Sure, he angered everyone in traffic, but he then found Gadhaffi and shanked him with a large machete. Or maybe this was a dream Sage Rosenfels told me about. But could Tarvaris Jackson find the Super Bowl? Probably not even with a map if it was 10 blocks away and located in a desert. The NFC West isn’t as challenging as most divisions, but as I said with the Vikings, he would be a legend in two states if he got Seattle their first Lombardi trophy. And that’s all that matters in the end.

Miami Dolphins: The Dolphins pulled themselves out of the Suck for Luck Sweepstakes around late October for some unknown reason, and have proven to be an effective team on both sides of the ball as of late. With a new coach in Joe Philbin, one would think, “Perfect time to make a ‘splash’ in the league.” (Cue obnoxious laughter) The Dolphins have the money, a system Philbin could ask Peyton to tweak and a valuable deep threat in Brandon Marshall. Plus, Reggie Bush had a 1,000-yard rushing season. Keep a Kardashian away from him and maybe he could keep it up. Now, owner Stephen Ross has a tendency of shitting the bed with lucrative deals, but after losing out on Jeff Fisher to the Rams, he desperately seeks to compete not only in his division, but with the Marlins & Heat. So, why not go after Matt Flynn? Less expensive, knows Philbin’s system… young. I know many fans out there are all aboard the Flynncycle (what are we gonna call him?), but the dude has only played two games. Granted, he performed at a high level, but it’s still two games. If he’s a system quarterback, he might be Miami’s best bet really. However, putting all your chips down on him to lead your team would be undervaluing your talent. He isn’t getting you anywhere for awhile, so if you’re okay with placing 3rd in your division and not making the playoffs until 2013 (maybe), go right ahead and sign him up. I understand the Dolphins’ eagerness to win and move past the 1972 team, Dan Marino and Ace Ventura: Pet Detective… but Flynn is stock for the future. So really, it just depends on Ross’ desire and Philbin’s thirst to step out of Aaron Rodgers’ shadow (same would go for Flynn). Also, as I brought up earlier, Peyton’s desire to compete twice a year in the same division as Brady can’t be that high on the list. Or can it? That’s a big question I have yet to hear any speculation on. The media would be heavier as well, and while sharing a city with Jose Reyes and LeBron James sounds cool… it really isn’t Peyton’s style, unless he wants to go the complete opposite of Indy and be a flashy Entourage-like cast member, which would lead to the inevitable Miami Vice poster or advertisement featuring Peyton and Brandon Marshall. Racists.

San Francisco 49ers: The fact is, Alex Smith is getting re-signed. Peyton shares an agent with Smith, so it doesn’t seem likely this could work. The Niners would win the NFC with Peyton as their QB. I firmly believe that… but I’m also an idiot. The challenge lies is moving out of the shadows of Montana and Young, something Peyton may be scared of doing. He also may have an ego that wouldn’t allow him to share that spotlight, even if Jerry Rice really wants him to wear red and gold next season. I’m not saying Peyton is an egotistical fuckface (okay, I am a little), but that’s only because the Colts made him that way. Johnny Unitas may have worn the uniform, but he was Baltimore’s prodigal son; Peyton was Indianapolis’ only son. To be able to reach heights like that in another city without a genuine hero would be miraculous. Jim Harbaugh hasn’t said this on the record, but I know he believes he’s changed Smith’s attitude & strategy. In order to build off of what happened last season, taking the future Super Bowl champs into overtime, Harbaugh probably doesn’t care to fix what ain’t broken. Smith earned a new contract, and really, as much as I’ve shit on the guy… he’s finally become the guy we always thought he could be.

Houston Texans: Imagine Peyton rolling out and sticking it to Jim Irsay by getting Houston to its second-straight AFC South championship. How sweet the victory would be, as it gracefully rolled down his pectoral muscles  that glistened like dewey raindrops on the tip of a watermelon seed—-sorry. Was reading a romance novel as I was typing this. Went to buy chocolate milk and Nilla wafers, then I’m standing in line and I see this Princess Leia-type chick dry-humping the leg of some McCreamy-looking brodude. The title sounded intriguing (“A Shameless Seduction”), so I told the cashier it was for my wife, who does not exist. Man… why won’t anybody love me? Wait, where was I? Oh, yeah, shit, um… the Texans. Matt Schaub is too often injured (he hasn’t played a full season in like, four years), and a gunslinger like Peyton could thrive over there with Andre Johnson in his sights… but as much as the Texans value and respect Manning, they owe Schaub the chance to show us more of what he’s capable of. Unless that is Gary Kubiak is feeling the pressure to get back to the playoffs after getting there and winning with a third-stringer. Schaub has shown signs of greatness in 2009, 2010 and 2011 — ya know, before he got hurt over and over and over. Arian Foster and Johnson, not to mention a hell of a defense, could make Peyton drool… but it all depends on his eagerness to explore his championship options, which may be outside of his old division.

Arizona Cardinals: The Cardinals have one of the best receivers in the league, a modest run game, an improving defense and really, just need a stable QB. The weather is always nice in Phoenix, they have a great stadium… and they paid a shitton of money last year on a QB that sat out most of the year with concussions. The Cards’ owners aren’t really known for being lax with their dough, so Kevin Kolb may have been a lesson for them. John Skelton is a Tarvaris Jackson/Jason Campbell/Kyle Orton type of quarterback: sufficient, but not enough. Time is running out for Peyton, and like I said, to be able to give a city it’s virgin championship (or if they’re in a championship drought) would elevate Manning to an entirely different level. Arizona has to be willing to convince him their offense is more than just Larry Fitzgerald, however, and with Ken Wisenhunt’s job on the line? It could be a do or die offer. Playing the Niners twice a year may be something to consider as well, and really, are the Cardinals a team that’s one guy away from being in the Super Bowl? I say no. But then again, I hate them and never want them to succeed, so what do I know?

Best guess: Seattle, Houston or Minnesota as a wild card. Miami seems like everybody’s pick, but I like to go against the grain, so I say Peyton continues keeping it quiet and focusing on his studies like a nerdy virgin by heading to a less media-heavy environment with an inspiring coaching staff that isn’t too overbearing. Keep in mind that Peyton never had a solid offensive line in Indy, may not only love indoor stadiums and low-end media markets.

Bang biscuit. That’s a walk-off.

- The Angry Sportsfan

Three’s Company: Because Craig T. Nelson Puns Aren’t As Easy to Think Up!

Who is Jack Tripper in this scenario? Urban Meyer probably. He seems like he’d be the wisecracking flirt who has to pretend he’s gay in order to live with two girls. That makes Rich Rodriguez Chrissy and Bobby Valentine wacky neighbor Larry. I never liked Janet, so let’s just pretend she died and the show is now about Jack, Chrissy & Larry. It’s funnier that way.

Urban Meyer to Ohio State: How many douchebags does it take to coach the Buckeyes? That isn’t a riddle, it’s a legitimate question.

Okay, maybe I’m being a tad unfair - Meyer is a hell of a coach who turns programs around with a strict regimen of Eric Taylor-esque tough love and a playbook full of the best use of the spread offense in, perhaps, the whole entire universe. As a testament to how awesome he is as a coach, even with his recruits, new Florida coach Will Muschamp was unable to rally the troops and get the Gators back atop the SEC East. While being well-recognized for his stellar accomplishments on the sideline, he’s also known for being the perennial stereotype for coaches on the run after experiencing said success.

First, he made Bowling Green somewhat of a contender for the Mid-American Conference in the early part of the century. Success there earned him a nice offer from Utah, where he coached the Utes to great success for two seasons. After he made Utah into a powerhouse, he left for Florida after being offered big contracts by both the Gators and Notre Dame.

After a few very successful years in Gainesville (winning two national championships and birthing Tim Tebow), he announced he’d be taking a leave of absence for what was, at the time, fucking random. Then he came back two months later… then left again under slightly mysterious circumstances before heading to Bristol to work for ESPN. I guess taking time for family meant, um, his football families across the nation. What a loving father. God bless you Papa Urban.

Anyway, now he’s apparently taking the coaching job at Ohio State, replacing Luke Fickell, who was hired after Jim Tressel’s misguided exit earlier this past summer. So after one season where the Buckeyes’ success was expected to be at the bottom of the college cesspool… Fickell was essentially a placeholder until the school could find a better coach to lead them past their undignified probation — and who better than world-renowned tool Urban Meyer, who will leave the program in 3 or 4 years! Cue the Men’s Warehouse guy: I guarantee it!

Leave it to Ohio State to make a nice guy like Fickell look like a fool. Meyer is one of the few coaches with the ability to turn troubled programs back into contenders, and seeing that OSU is not used to being on the bottom of the Big 10 pigpile… they need to get back into the thick of things. Seeing rival Michigan ranked has to be a shot to the crotch. However, seeing rival Penn State in the midst of the biggest college sports scandal in decades has to ice that wound a bit.

Hey, if it’s worked before, why not roll the dice? My only concern is Urban Meyer’s very personal life has been the thorn in his side the past two years. Could that come back to haunt him and, subsequently, the Buckeyes? Time will tell. I just hope upon his first game on the OSU sideline, he wears a sweater vest and “Tebows” after the coin toss… just a wink and a nod to all the controversy.

Bobby Valentine to the Red Sox: Is it just me, or does it seem like the Red Sox are heading back into hibernation after a good ten year run of success? Call me jaded, but hiring the testy yet always entertaining Bobby Valentine seems like the final straw in the hat for this organization who’ve just been struggling to keep up with their sworn enemies, the Yankees. The Red Sox are like a hot girl with an obnoxious voice: on paper, everything looks superb. You have the entire package in front of you, everything you need for a good time… then you remember there’s one thing preventing this whole deal from going down. Sure, you can wear ear plugs or jam a Q-tip in your eardrum or just punch your dick and hope it all goes smoothly… but you and I both know that one thing that prevents everything from working fluidly will be your downfall.

The Red Sox’s hopes of winning another championship were dashed after 2011’s collapse of epic proportions. Losing a fantastic coach and the GM who built this fucking machine spells trouble. The two men who gave you two titles in four years after being baseball’s biggest laughingstock (with all due respect to the Cubs), are now gone — and they stockpiled a who’s who of stars to bring back another trophy. And it all fell flat.

Ownership is reaching. If your players — star players — won’t work hard just because they were tired of listening to Francona’s bullshit… who says a change in the dugout will simply get them to stop napping & shotgunning beers between innings?

I’ll gladly eat crow if Valentine’s unique coaching style works for Boston. He has a habit of being a bit of a blowhard and clashing with players/management, but he took the Mets to their greatest heights in the past 12 years. It ended ugly, but it gives a famed organization like the Red Sox hope. Valentine is charismatic and likable, but his managerial success is scattered, and if the BoSox are going to look at his time overseas and with the Mets as the status quo, they may not be entirely aware of what they’re getting themselves into.

Valentine has everything he needs in that clubhouse to be successful. All he has to do is convince a dugout full of egos that they have what it takes to win. A few tweaks and positions to refill… and the Red Sox have it in the bag. If they can’t find a way to pull it off in 2012, then Beantown may have to hit the panic button and prepare for a meltdown after the Cubs begin showing signs of new life and all those Mayan/John Cusack predictions start coming true.

Rich Rodriguez to the University of Arizona: To me, Rich Rodriguez is like a child actor. He had one giant success where everybody loved him and he’s been unable to climb back to his peak. He’ll forever be chasing that rainbow. Now, is Tucson the place to do it? The Wildcats have been a program similar to Oregon State: hot for a few minutes, then cooling off quickly. You had one of the Stoops brothers as your head coach for nearly ten years, you did pretty well for a majority of that time and you got greedy after a miserable start.

Rodriguez is a zen master of sorts, and his time with West Virginia is still one of the more miraculous program turnarounds in the history of the game. Like an American Idol, Rodriguez was swept up in the media and catered by Alabama and Michigan in 2007, before allowing his team to dangle in the wind before their 2008 Fiesta Bowl game, heading to Ann Arbor before he could take off his Mountaineers polo. Rodriguez has always reminded me of Brian Kelly, and with good reason: both have experienced menial success and left their teams before big-time bowl games for money; they established themselves with massive turnarounds only to find mediocrity so far in former traditional powerhouses.

And where did it land Rodriguez after taking the Michigan gig? He never had a winning season as the Wolverines head coach in three years, and despite recruiting studs like Denard Robinson, Rodriguez never saw his system take off there like it had in West Virginia.

Rodriguez is generally a run-offense minded guy (he calls an average of 70% run plays during a season), and Arizona has some future stars looming in their run game (Terris Jones is a speed demon and Kylan Butler could be a reliable all-purpose back). Point is, sure the Wildcats have enough to help them get by in a meager Pac-12 South next year… but by the time Rich Rodriguez is able to make a difference, he could already be gone. And it may not necessarily be on his own merit. Or maybe it could be. Fuck if I know. I just like to shit on every sports news headline I see.

I understand the fear it may strike in some Pac-12 fans’ hearts to see another big-time success story roll into town… but the odds are stacked in your favor. Like with every other headline-grabbing name in college football, it’s a gamble that hasn’t shown much credibility. In most peoples’ eyes, Rodriguez is still a one-hit wonder with a good idea that hasn’t been properly executed yet. Mike Stoops recruited talented kids, and all things considered, Richie boy is walking into a pretty nice situation. The Pac-12 South is weak, struggling rivals (ASU, UCLA) may be looking for new head coaches, the rookies (Utah, Colorado) are having difficulty — and imagine the fun that Lane Kiffin will have facing Rich Rodriguez with his Trojan’s first year of eligibility after a two-year ban will bring.

Splendor, my friends. Pure splendor. And like a car crash in a porno, you won’t be able to look away from the results that unfold. Until your mom walks in on you.

OH! I got it!

Tebow is Janet. That totally fits.

- The Angry Sportsfan

Penn State Con’t: I’ll Eat Some Crow, But You Have to Read All of My Bullshit First!

This is the presentment for the whole Jerry Sandusky Grand Jury deal.

I want to make a few things very clear, because, well… this story means a lot to me.

I do not condone what the university, school president, athletic director or Joe Paterno failed to do. Their actions were in poor taste and much more could have obviously been done to prevent this.

The more I read, the more something seems… off. Joe Paterno’s worship was ultimately what brought him down. Does this erase 44 years of success? Does this not make him the most successful coach in Division 1-A CFB? Certainly not.

As far as we know, Paterno knew of one specific incident and reported it to his superiors. From there, he could have contacted police and he would have lost his job based on the fact that the whole reason the AD & school prez lied about all this was to keep the Penn State image intact.

This is where it gets fucking sketchy to most people. The victims (let’s fact it, Sandusky fucking raped them) were lost in this due to the fact the school allowed Sandusky to come on campus and to continue using donations to fund his “field trips” with the boys he took under his wing (aka, his cock) through his Second Mile program.

What we know realize is Sandusky used his power at Penn State to create this charity and to take advantage of boys in precarious situations. As far as we have been told, through victims’ testimony, Sandusky molested/raped/whatever from 1998 on. The 1998 “incident” has not been specifically revealed, but university officials did know about it — did Joe Paterno? Speculation says yes. But speculation can get you into a lot of trouble and lead you down a slippery slope.

What we know of Sandusky’s habits is that in 1998, police basically ignored the allegations of him fucking a kid in the locker room showers. In 2002, Mike McQueary’s eyewitness account says he was doing it.

You get where I’m heading with this?

Joe Paterno is just like any other college coach: self-centered. He created an elite program and could not walk away from it, no matter who suffered. He unwisely assisted Sandusky’s retirement, which did in fact help him victimize young boys — but AS FAR AS WE ALL KNOW (that includes ALL of us) — Joe Paterno was not aware of anything until 2002. He did what he thought he had to, and while he could have done more… he didn’t.

I still hold Curley and Spanier accountable for much of this. It’s very obvious they knew more than anyone before what McQueary saw. They were pushed, pushed again and until they got called out for it legally… they neglected to take action.

Now 44 years of success are down the drain? I’ll eat a little crow here. Perhaps just one leg. Or a foot. Maybe the end of the wing. Okay, the beak. I will eat crow’s beak and say Joe Paterno should have resigned immediately upon noticing no action was taken to prevent Sandusky from doing a fucking thing.

I like Paterno. I like what he’s done and meant to the Nittany Lions. But I won’t be one to defend him in this instance. I do, however, look at him beyond this. It’s not entirely fair to see him as a villain here. Theoretically, philosophically — sure, say he raped this boys, too… but he didn’t. There is no physical evidence he did a thing. If he feels partly responsible for knowing what was up and not doing anything, let him live with that.

I was asked by a friend, “What if it were your little brother?” I would be pissed at the university. They had prior knowledge, they could have done more than Paterno. He unknowingly gave Sandusky permission — and chances are, when push came to shove, his job was threatened and Paterno was too proud to walk away from the kingdom he built. If that’s his crime, so be it. My son, my brother, my friend — no matter who it was, if I had to be angry, I’d be most angry with Sandusky and then the school for not doing enough when they had suspicions. Remember, JoePa didn’t have to be alerted of any investigation. The school president does.

It’s difficult for us to put ourselves in JoePa’s shoes. It shouldn’t be though… because he wears slippers. He is 84 after all. The thing is, Sandusky was a friend he trusted and when someone is your friend, your family… no matter what they do, no matter how horrible and sickening it is… it’s incredibly difficult to just wash your hands of them. Even more? Try turning your back on a school and town you love because you made the choice of befriending a fucking pedo.

Now, Paterno will close out his life being dumped on by those outside Penn State. I get it. I understand the outrage. I don’t disagree with the decision to fire him — I just don’t like watching successful men wither away through allegations that we aren’t sure he had a large part in.

I’ll stand by my assertions that Paterno doesn’t deserve to go out like this. This won’t be a lasting mark on his legacy. I know people will say his legacy got kids raped, but that seems like an overreaction. You try building a program to be one of the most revered and successful in college football history, then basically walk away from it. No matter who suffers from that, that would be tough for anyone. Don’t pretend you’re any different — no one is, and we can’t process a thought like that because none of us have done what Paterno did.

This is all difficult to put into words. For an emotional fan like me, it’s hard for me not to stick up for this program. I can’t say my JoePa worship resembles my Batman worship… but I believe in men who have coached the way Paterno did. I admire the guys who wade through the mud to find the fresh water underneath. Every college coach has been through it… there’s just no easy escape from a spectacularly muddy shitstorm like this.

And now a legacy has to simply lay down and shit out an egg. The program will take years to recover (the legal bullshit awaiting them is going to be legendary), and it’s incredibly difficult for me to picture how much longer Paterno has left and that this will be what he is most remembered for.

The good news is, this scandal made us stop talking about the NBA, the Indianapolis Colts and Occupy Wall Street!

- The Angry Sportsfan

Penn State Scandal: Legends Never Die, But Pedophiles Do.

I have been a loyal Penn State football fan since I was 11 years old. In 1994, the Nittany Lions went 12-0 during the regular season but finished second in the rankings due to a miscoached game against Indiana to finish out the year.

Despite all that, I became enthralled with the mystique, the tradition and the sanctimonious lore of Penn State football. I wanted to live in Happy Valley and embrace the hatred for Ohio State, participate in the traditional fandom and be a part of one of the most celebrated programs in all of Division 1-A college football.

Joe Paterno was one of those coaches I admired for more than how he coached his team. He carried the spirit of the entire school, the town and every single player. The chant at Beaver Stadium has always been a tremendously loud call-and-answer from the crowd: “WE ARE!” “PENN STATE!” Paterno was Penn State all by himself.

That’s what makes today’s news so disheartening. I have mixed emotions about how the school handled Paterno’s exit and how JoePa himself could have dealt with this in a much more appropriate fashion. Then again, this entire goddamn story is the biggest catch-22 for any reasonable and logical college football fan. On one side, you have a legendary coach of an elite & storied program who has been on the sidelines since 1966. He won two national titles with his teams in the 1980’s and has produced some of the best football players to ever be part of the game. To be booted out of your job after almost 50 fucking years is not an easy task to walk away from, head held high. No one could do it without feeling remorse for what brought them here. I’m sure Paterno feels that way now, despite how much support he’s received from students, alumni & fans.

Paterno will never be Jim Tressel. He is more of a sympathetic figure, comparable to Florida State’s mishandling of Bobby Bowden’s departure. I’m not saying what Paterno did (or perhaps, did not do) was the right course of action (or, well, okay — miscourse) — but to watch an 84-year-old legend leave like this? After all he’s done for the entire Penn State football program? It was a severe error in judgment on JoePa’s part, no doubt about it. But how can you have a soul and not feel awful for this man?

Now I may be a Penn State apologist here, but really, will this all be the lasting mark on Paterno’s career? Fuck no. It’s certainly a blemish, but hindsight will teach the world Paterno was never the bad guy here — and the media and outside fans of the game alike are treating JoePa like he’s the one who fucked little boys in the shower for well over a decade.

Jerry Sandusky is the villain here. He was a friend and coach to Joe Paterno, a man who helped the Penn State program win two titles in 1982 and 1986. Sandusky is responsible for the whole Linebacker U moniker attached to the program. How would you react upon finding out your closest friend of 30 years takes advantage of underprivileged boys during football camps and fucks them in the ass after practice? You’d be goddamn horrified and unable to think!

When Mike McQueary told Paterno about what he witnessed one late evening, I’m sure Paterno was shaken up. However, his job as a coach and leader of that football program should have been to do everything in his power to set the record straight and dig into this scandal like Sandusky did to little boys’ assholes. Paterno did inform Penn State athletic director Tim Curley, however he decided to sweep it under the rug.

There’s your problem.

Paterno is a man of few words and notoriously recognized as a gung ho coach, but not a man of action. His life is devoted to football. You ever hear him speak?! He’s 84 for Christ’s sake! He can barely fucking mumble out a sentence without falling asleep! He hasn’t been able to stand for longer than 10 minutes since pre-9/11! That tells you all you need to know about his personality: football is literally his life.

That isn’t meant to excuse him from not responding more to what Curley did (or, well, fuck… didn’t do). Paterno should have reacted more fiercely rather than allow Sandusky to continue coaching and stepping onto school grounds up until 2009. Did he question Sandusky? No one but Joe and Jerry know that. However, all the blame Paterno is receiving, while fair in some ways, should be halted. This was ultimately the responsibility of the AD, school president and any other administrators aware of Sandusky’s actions and McQueary’s story. And it’s not like Paterno didn’t believe McQueary — if he hadn’t, why would he have promoted McQueary to replace Sandusky? A man Paterno trusted for 30 years was outed as a child rapist by a grad student… and that grad student eventually becomes the assistant head coach, a position Sandusky himself had for three decades.

He also held little boys in positions for at least 15 years. Just need to keep reminding everyone who is really the bad guy here.

Paterno is being fingered (um, bad choice of words) with all the blame because he is the face of Penn State football. He is that town, that school, that program. Is that fair though, to pin everything on him and watch him be forced to leave under scrutiny & scandal? Absolutely not.

Admittedly, I am not the least bit surprised at the decision the board of trustees made. They had to. They were forced to do it. When you’re in this deep, you can’t expect to wade in quicksand much longer. You have to start finding a way out, and this was their escape.

I have not and will never lose my respect and gratitude for what Joe Paterno did and who he has been to the Penn State Nittany Lions football program. He was caught in a precarious position that he misjudged, and he should have left on his own merit. But he’s a hardheaded man who loves the game probably more than anything else in his entire life. He could have been broken in half by a nose tackle and would have found a way to sit up in the booth, just a breathing torso, and coach his team. You think a scandal like this would have made him leave on his own?

After this long, the school owed him — but he also owes them a little too… and this is the price he has to pay.

What Paterno did will forever be debated. He wasn’t exactly a graceful person, so to expect him to react the same way you’d expect most people to is illogical. A man he trusted with his life for 30 years was a closet pedophile, he told the right people but didn’t follow through with a tougher interrogation.

This does not, however, take away from what his legacy has been and forever will be at a prestigious football program. Lest we forget that.

Paterno should have walked away. Being told to leave is like having your dignity pissed on in front of millions. But don’t allow Paterno to shoulder all the blame. Who’s to say Sandusky wouldn’t have brought this out elsewhere? Paterno is one man who had an illustrious career riding on his back and failed to respond properly — that is it.

Celebrate a man who did so much more than not doing one significant thing, because if you’re going to blame him after 44 years of greatness? You may not have enough blame to go around to others in his same position.

- The Angry Sportsfan

Ryan’s World Series Write Up! AKA David Freese Wins World Series MVP, Marries Your Mom.

You’ve had one whole week to digest the St. Louis Cardinals’ miraculous and surprising victory to take the World Series title for the 11th time. Allow our very own Ryan “Big Gulp” Riddell to put it all in perspective.

In the morning of the 27th whilst I was clocking into my day job, I received a text message from my Roommate:

“Hey, is there any way you could be out of the house from 7 to about 12 tonight?” This is the traditional way of saying in my household: “I’m being really polite and I don’t want you to have to listen to me fuck whatever girl is coming over this evening.”

I replied with a yes and tried to catch as much of game 6 of the world series as I could.  By the time the 7th inning rolled around, I watched as Nelson Cruz and Adrian Beltre destroyed baseballs back to back against relief pitcher Lance Lynn. I calmly said to myself, “Well, I might as well go, congrats to the Rangers.”

I spent the next 4 hours at the Cinema, where there is no cell reception. After braving my way through 50/50 and The Ides of March (which could have used a blooper reel, if you ask me), I leave the theater at 11:30 and my phone goes apeshit once I get reception. I have 7 text messages saying “GREATEST GAME EVURRRR” and others saying “GAME 7 BABY!” I hurry home and I jump on my laptop, only to see I had missed  2 legendary late/extra inning comebacks that night because I didn’t want to listen to my roommate bone.

There are very few World Series that were as great as this one was. There was a blowout, a shutout, pitching duels, borderline stalemates and comebacks. This is how you want the World Series to be.

The craziest part about all of this is Albert Pujols really only had his one, three home run moment in one game. David Freese became a legend and playoff hero among the likes of Carlton Fisk and other names that are spoken in the hushed corners of local taverns.

Other great moments:

1. Derek Holland’s fantastic start. Driven by the insults of his mustache, he decided to throw 8 1/3 innings of shutout ball in his start in game 4.  The Derek Holland that came down the stretch and was doing fantastically finally showed up. We saw what his upside had been hinted at for awhile and maybe through arbitration he can finally afford some kind of electric razor so he can shave for the first time.

2. Chris Carpenter brought his signature unmitigated rage to the field. Cursing out numerous people. Needless to say, no one was surprised.  When he was handed the trophy, he told Bud Selig to “Fuck off” and argued with Ron Washington about the bad coke he got from him. Chris Carpenter is the Nicolas Cage of baseball.

3. Trading for Vernon Wells was the worst trade of this last year, if only because the Angels practically GAVE AWAY Mike Napoli, whom eventually ended up on the Rangers and decided to hit .320 and hit 30 home runs.  He then became a Rangers postseason hero and was definitely the most powerful 8th place hitter in postseason history. And guess what? The Angels sucked this year. Enjoy Jeff Mathis suckers.

4.  Nelson Cruz was a terrifying force to be reckoned with in this series, along with Adrian Beltre and Josh Hamilton. It is surprising that there was so much power in that lineup and they still couldn’t win it. It just goes to show how unpredictable this series is.

5. My roommate Alan sad he managed to cook a full 3 course meal and I quote “Bone his ladyfriend 6 times in the course of 2 hours.” While I watched really depressing movies, thinking about how much Ginger Ale Josh Hamilton could buy with all of his world series winnings. That’s why Alan won MVP of the House for the month.

In conclusion:

Tough luck, Rangers. You’ve made it to the world series twice and lost twice. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Except for the fact that you lost.

Losers.

Tony La Russa Retired on top, which is suited for a manager of his caliber. He was a fixture of the Oakland A’s when I was wee (growing up a Bay Area sports kid) and he was always a formidable manager when he was leading the Cards. The man will be missed, but I am kind of annoyed he just called me and told me to warm up

Lance Lynn. Pujols is gonna re-sign with the cards. Calling it now, especially if Oquendo ends up managing.

The offseason is one of my favorite parts of baseball, and I can’t wait to talk about exciting shit like TRADES and WINTER BALL. Holy shitfuck you’re in for some FUNNNNNNNN!!!

(Please keep reading my bullshit!)

- Ryan

Ryan’s Championship Series Run-Down (AKA What Is The Opposite of a Great Lakes World Series?)

Well, it seems as though the  Major League Championship Series has led us to a few thoughts:

1. Albert Pujols, after a rough beginning to the season, has finally decided to come back and force his will upon you. You will obey. And he will silence you as needed.  And by opening day 2012, he will be able to buy all of us and have us dress up as giant chess pieces and cater to his whims.

2. Pitching really doesn’t matter as much as it did last year. Both Championship series became offensive pissing contests early on and it has been damn entertaining.

3. Albert Pujols has been fucking awesome and is actually beheaded Ted Williams before the playoffs started, and the knowledge he gained from the Quickening gave him super hitting powers.

4. The pitching rotation of the Rangers isn’t what drove them to the World Series in the playoffs. It was the Rangers bullpen that did it, led by Alexi Ogando and Neftali Feliz. Without their combined efforts, the Tigers offense would have had a much better chance to come back.

5. The real story that should be getting attention now is the fact that the team that got into the playoff wild card on the last day is going to the World Series now. Unfortunately, ESPN couldn’t be reached for comment because they were too busy interviewing every person still crying into a sourdough bread bowl from the last day of the season. This is the stuff great stories are made of, but unfortunately the story didn’t involve the Yankees or Red Sox, so nobody is paying attention.

6. Albert Pujols. Do you think he needs some serfs when he buys his estate? I wonder what serfs get paid by the hour….

7.  I really hope that Ogando gets a start in the World Series. He has certainly proven himself. I know that Derek Holland had a good second half but that mustache he bought from the 12 year old that grew it isn’t making him any better (Probably didn’t help him get into any R-rated movies either).

8. The Cardinals starting rotation isn’t exactly the greatest thing since sliced bread. Chris Carpenter has had his moments (most of them whilst he screamed his angst through his teeth) but Jaime Garcia and Kyle Lohse are merely alright in the grand scheme of things (though Garcia and Lohse have been capable of great things before).

9. Albert Pujols.

10.  I know I keep talking about Albert Pujols but David Freese has had a ridiculous series, as well. The Cardinals have really wanted a full season out of him and know we all know why. If he’s healthy next year, that Cardinals lineup is going to eat souls. SOULS I SAY.

Highlander references aside, this has the potential to be a great series.  Expect home runs — as long as Colby Lewis is starting.

- Ryan

The NBA: Notoriously Boring Assholes

The empire is growing, my friends. The Angry Sportsfan is proud to welcome Corey, our newest blogger, who will contribute any & all pieces of (un)popular opinion here. Like the Moral Minority on our podcast, Corey will enlighten readers with insightful, well-versed, less-obscenity-laced articles on topics ranging from the NFL to the NBA to even the NHL! Finally, someone who knows hockey stuff! He’ll probably use his fatherly wisdom to heighten the intellectual prowess we have been lacking here at Angry Sports Inc., and it is my belief that Corey will teach us more about ourselves through his Christ-like power over the English language. We all like Corey here, even if he does defend Alex Smith’s erratic playing skills — you’ll like him, too. That is my Angry Guarantee*!

*Angry Guarantee void in North & South Dakota, because no one lives there.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m an NBA fan. The athleticism. The sweet shooting. The precision passes. The powerful blocks. The monstrous dunks. A good game of Basketball is just as fun to watch as it is to play (something that can’t be said for Baseball or Soccer).

But with the announcement that the NBA would be cancelling the first two weeks of the season (with more likely to come) in light of the NBA and the NBA Players Association not coming to terms on a new collective bargaining agreement, I have a few problems with the league that is quickly becoming the least relevant of the four major leagues (for those who are under a rock, that would be the NFL, MLB, NHL, and NBA).

Football reigns supreme in America. It has the perfect storm. One game a week allows for optimal fantasy play and the ability to dedicate one day a week for watching (with Thursday and Monday night games being an added bonus). We have a whole week to analyze our teams and talk about matchups. The seasons are a tight 17 weeks with probably the most effective playoff system of the leagues (I’ll save that for another post). Fall/Winter is the time for football. There is no doubt. Baseball dominates Summer, but the season are incredibly long and while we were treated to an exciting finish to the season, most teams are out of the race long before the end of the season. Not to mention that games just about every day can get exhausting. The NBA and NHL have similar problems. The seasons are a long 82 games and become marathons, though their playoffs are far more exciting than MLB. I would argue though, that MLB is more fun to follow during the regular season.

Okay, now I’m just going off on a tangent. My point is, the NBA fucking sucks. And it has to do with the importance of individual players over a team. In the NFL, no one player can make or break a team (okay, MAYBE a QB). In the NHL you can have a guy who scores a ton of goals but with no defense the team will suck, same goes for a shutdown goalie with no offense. In MLB, a dominant pitcher will keep you in the game but with no run support you are fucked (Hello, 2011 SF Giants!). The NBA? Well look at the Cavaliers before and after Lebron James. Look what happens when a marquee player goes down. Look at how three douchebags can join together and make it to the finals despite having terrible coaching and a bunch of scrubs playing behind them. Point is, the  NBA is an individually driven league while the other leagues have strong individual players but mainly sell you on TEAMS.

Lebron jerseys probably sell more than any individual NFL player jersey (I’d look it up but I have a newborn baby so screw that). So what you have in the NBA is this: If your team has one of the 15 superstars in the league, you are going to the playoffs and have a shot. If you don’t, don’t bother watching. In every other league you need a great team to make the playoffs. If you are only good in one area, you will be exposed. But in the NBA, a superstar player can make up all the deficiencies. And sure, that may be enjoyable if you are a Lakers, Heat, Celtics, Dallas, or Chicago fan, but for Sacramento Kings and Seattle Supersonics (oops!) and Cleveland Cavalier fans, you are just hoping the lottery ball falls in your favor so you can draft the next superstar.

Look at the MLB playoffs right now. Detroit Tigers, Texas Rangers, St. Louis Cardinals, and the Milwaukee Brewers! Who the fuck has heard of any of these teams? The NHL final 4 was the Vancouver Canucks, San Jose, the Boston Bruins (previously the only Boston team that didn’t kick ass all the time), and the Tampa Bay Lightning! I didn’t even know Tampa Bay had a hockey team! In the NFL, half of the teams that made the playoffs the previous year usually get replaced the following year. Right now the Detroit Lions are 5-0! It’s because teams matter in the other leagues. But in the NBA, players do.

Now, I’m not saying I don’t like watching the Dwight Howards, Kevin Durants, and Chris Pauls. But it’s a league where the best teams are the big market teams with the superstar players. There is no point to root for the playoffs if you are small market team, it’s just not going to happen (and if it does you’ll eventually succumb to a big market team like Memphis did).

So in light of these meaningless NBA early season games getting cancelled, here are things I’d rather do than watch Lebron James being a pompous asshole while physically dominating teams during games that don’t matter:

Take a Shit.

Watch early season NHL games.

Change my baby’s shit.

Watch BASEketball.

Watch replays of NFL games during times that NBA games would be on (which I would do even if the games were actually on).

Clean up her vomit.

Watch the MLB playoffs.

Just kidding, I’m not watching the MLB playoffs.

Rent Celtic Pride, Eddie, The Sixth Man or any other terrible basketball-related “comedy.”

Listen to the Angry Sportsfan podcast! (http://bit.ly/nVjmE4)

Watch my wife breastfeed.

Continue to watch her breastfeed. I mean, watch Dancing With The Stars. No, I mean, watch Tim Allen’s new show. Oh, who am I kidding… watch Glee.

Do homework.

Rediscover my sweet guitar skills.

Masturbate like hell. Sleep.

So there you have it. NBA fans, don’t fret too much about the loss of games. If anything, a 40 game season would actually make the whole season exciting. It would give small market teams a chance at the playoffs and might create a scenario like the NFL this year where teams come out and surprise people (Lions, Bengals, 49ers) while other teams that were supposed to be good suck (Eagles, Falcons).

Oh, and less time for me to have to look at highlights of “Dream Team” of Wade, Lebron and Bosch is fine by me.

- Corey

Halladay On Holiday: Ryan’s NLDS Wrap-Up

The Angry Sportsfan is proud to announce we have a new writer for the blog. His name is Ryan and he’s just as foul-mouthed & poetic as I am. He will provide all sorts of opinion pieces and insult-laced analyses, entertaining a nation of dozens, not including either of our parents (thank fuck!). An additional voice to the Angry arsenal, Ryan will be the ALF to my Willy Tanner. If that reference confuses you, he’ll be the Khloe to my Lamar. Ladies, please feel free to message him nudes so I can look at them, too. WELCOME TO THE CLUBHOUSE RYAN!

After the first round of the playoffs, I have some good news and some bad news:

The good news? It’s going to be between the Cardinals and the Brewers in the NLCS and the rivalry will be palpable. Two NL central foes that will be going at it, with Chris Carpenter growling at every moving shadow and Nyjer Morgan freaking out and chewing off someones’ eyebrows. And Tony La Russa will complain about something.

The bad news? 15 People will probably be watching the world series on television this year.  The large market team fanbases are too busy crying into their caps and taking out their aggression on their children or pets to watch the games on television. That being said, I am certainly hoping the price for the rights to the World Series go down considerably next year and they can broadcast the game on that channel Weird Al Yankovic used to run in the 80’s. Stanley Spadowski could call the game with Joe Buck.

But I digress, how did we get here?

Well in the final game of the NLDS series between the Milwaukee Brewers and the Arizona Diamondbacks. With red beard aficionado Ian Kennedy on the mound against Milwaukee ace Yovani Gallardo. What we had was two fly ball pitchers in  a hitters park with two rather swing happy teams.

So naturally we had an extremely low scoring game. Naturally. The game was littered with unused RISP situations and nerve wracking long counts. Both starters went 6 innings but each had a WHIP slightly over 1. In other words, they would get in the shit every 2 innings or so. Then they would manage to find their way out of it, at the cost of their fans shitting entirely decorated Christmas trees in their seats. The strike zone fluctuated at the corners most of the night, which resulted in a Home Run by Justin Upton in the third inning, after a changeup that looked damn close to the corner of the plate (Fun Fact: Gallardo struck out on the same pitch looking the next inning, in a fairly predictable twist of fate).

After the starters took their leave, it came to impressive outings by relief pitchers Takashi Saito and Bryan Shaw (who struck out the side, the kid has some impressive stuff) to keep the score close for the rest of the game. Francisco Rodriguez had an abortion of an inning, possibly in protest of not being able to close. I’m sure he walked into the dugout after his one hit, two walk dance with fate screaming “LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO! LOOK WHAT YOU MADE DO!”

When it came to the end of the game, as usual, the mustachioed super stud closer John Axford on the biggest close of his career couldn’t hack it. Naturally, Gerardo Parra, who had been 0-17 before the game started (0-2 with a walk that night) smacked a double and it eventually turned into a squeeze play in which Prince Fielder had a small seizure instead of making a throw. I suppose he was thinking about what it was going to be like jumping into a safe full of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck when the Cubs pay him next year.

The save was blown and it set it up for next inning when the most controversial man on the Brewers became the most interesting man in the world. As usual, Tony Plush is the one who is going to save the day. We ALL KNEW it was going to be Nyjer Morgan, and he was going to yell “FUCK YEAH!” at the end. The Brewers earned their keep in this series, and the Diamondbacks have nothing to cry about.  For a team that was expected to be in last place in the NL West, Justin Upton, Miguel Montero and reformed meth dealer (I am assuming) Ryan Roberts surprised everyone by playing every part of the game that makes you successful. Although they didn’t succeed at anything more than winning their division. Well, and loosening the bowels of the Milwaukee faithful for a moment.

The Phillies game?

Not much to say, really. Roy Halladay got hosed by his team’s offense.  The Phillies offense looked more desperate than focused.  Ryan Howard’s paltry .105 average for the series was very troubling for the Phils, but it fortunately won’t affect his status in the Subway MMMMM… Hall of Fame he’s been so worried keeping his status in. Chase Utley was handsome, Shane Victorino still wore an insufferable double flap helmet. Oh and Hunter Pence utilized his “Praying Mantis Meets Velociraptor” baseball playing style he’s managed to master.  With Raul Ibanez and Ryan Howard (possibly) out of the picture next year, Philly could be settling for Dominic Brown and John Mayberry Jr. next year to fill in. Poor Philly and their embarrassment of riches.

On the Cardinals side, nothing much else happened either. No, seriously. Chris Carpenter won this game with pure angst. And a first inning run. “Get on my back!” Chris said, “And I shall grunt and moan my way through the next 9 innings!” That’s exactly what he did. And because of that, Philly fans will be crying in their cheesesteaks and burning incense in their Roy Halladay Altars begging him not to be angry with them.

The ALDS and NLDS are this weekend, the ALDS starting on Saturday. It’ll be a rollicking good time, with the Rangers and the Ya- wait. The Yankees didn’t win? Who won? The TIGERS? Holy shit, this series might actually be interesting. 

NFL Stats: Adjust For Inflation

There’s been sort of a ying & yang to this oddly unsettling NFL season thus far. Five weeks in and it’s fairly obvious coaches are basically relying entirely on their respective starting QB’s arm. If you’re the Patriots or the Packers, yeah, okay — that shit works for you. If you’re the Chiefs or the Broncos, well, go ahead and start drawing up your ‘Welcome Andrew!’ banners now.

Since implementing the highly enforced ‘safe hitting’ rules last season, the NFL has provided a somewhat strange ‘power ranking’ system of which QB’s will earn defenses penalties and which ones won’t. Like, say, if you’re Tom Brady and you get decked by Haloti Ngata? Haloti will be expecting a smaller paycheck. If you’re Jay Cutler and Ndamukong Suh decapitates you? Suh may receive a fine for that, but chances are, if Cutler is able to get up, no big fine will occur. Because if there’s something Jay Cutler is good at… it’s walking away from something.

You’re probably smart enough to see where I’m going here. Untouchable QB’s, like Brady in particular, are basically free to park their asses in the pocket and (with good protection from their line) throw it all fucking day, no consequences to be found. Uh, well, except with your basic mistake package, like pick 6’s or what have you.

Five weeks into 2011’s season and Brady is about to easily trump Dan Marino’s long-standing single-season passing record. While 5,084 yards in one season seems laughable in today’s game, well, you’re wrong dickweed. The record has stood the test of time since 1984. 26 years later, and Mr. Perfect is about to pass that by week 13. #12 is already at 1,553 passing yards through 4 games — and after the lousy pass defense the Jets did in Baltimore (see: Ray Rice), don’t expect Wes Welker to be overlooked; Brady will continue to fist punch the sky with his textbook spirals that moisten New Englanders crotchal regions, no matter the gender.

Cam Newton is still a rookie and he’s already exceeding expectations and shattering rookie records. His NFL debut lauded him an all-time best 422 passing yards, toppling Peyton Manning’s rookie debut. His first three games, Newton has passed over a thousand yards. I’m not saying Newton didn’t earn these numbers, because just watching the guy makes you want to take back every mean and racist thing you said about him when he was at Auburn (admit it, you bigot — you said something fucked up. I know you did — he played in the SEC for Christ’s sake! The college conference with the most prejudice fans in the world! Probably!).

These numbers are inflated and looking askew based solely on the fact that defenders are scared to play the game as gritty as we’ve come to expect. Certain star QB’s attract the calls that could cost players money and their team serious damage on the field. While guys like Michael Vick and Ben Douchelisberger are certainly stars, they don’t hold the same status such as guys like Manning or Brady. Could this be due in part to their ‘controversial’ pasts? Perhaps. But officials have let that go, and just like in the NBA, certain guys will garner penalty calls more than others, no matter the media coverage (pay enough attention to each game and all QB hits, and you begin to realize it’s a fucking politico conspiracy conjured up by the fatcats in Canton! Probably!).

The NFL’s current record-breaking numbers are quite simply ‘juiced,’ to tie it in to major league baseball, because anytime I talk about bulked numbers, I am required by law to mention baseball, steroids, Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco, Congress, shrunken testes, ass to mouth and A-Rod A-Rod A-ROOOOOOODDDDDDD!!!!

I like seeing Aaron Rodgers throw 4 touchdowns and run 2 more in himself. I like seeing Cam Newton finally prove that maybe black quarterbacks are pretty goddamn good sometimes (see, Donovan?). I like Tom Brady’s hair and face — I mean, his ability to pass, um, well. However, this current rule implementation is flawed and unfairly bumps numbers up while also highlighting the NFL’s biggest stat: sacks.

Keep an eye on this the rest of the season. Just watch how many sacks do occur overall, because you’ll slowly realize defenses figuring ways around this whole idea that since QB’s can’t be popped hard forever, the run game can be shut down. By the time we’re halfway through the season, one-dimensional teams will fold. Teams who rely on their QB won’t last forever, and as guys like Michael Vick complain about how many times he’s hit, coaches will think this is their strength.

Wrong, bucko.

You may wind up seeing the Kevin Kolbs and Tarvaris Jacksons of the league getting hit less and more flags thrown their way on late hits, but the treatment will not enhance the passing game. Teams have to ensure they can rely on a strong back, too. You can already see the potential in New Orleans, Buffalo, Oakland, Baltimore and Tampa Bay — teams with solid offenses built on stability. Cleveland is getting there (slowly), and the 49ers have made improvements (no telling how Gore will last the entire season). Guys like Eli Manning, who are having career years, will begin to see this strategy crumble as defenses account for the adjustment to how officials call hits on offenses. Teams like Detroit and Atlanta rarely see their QB’s touched, but has precise plays called in order to avoid this front. With so many weapons, it won’t be easy for a few select teams to get past this hump — but with a team as solid as New England on paper… it may wind up biting them in the ass. Tom Brady’s sweet, dimply ass. I mean, uh, boobs and tits and succulent melons with, um, bar-b-que sauce and car engines. Horsepower. Budweiser. I’m not gay. Moving on…

Again, we’re only in week 5, with 11 more to go. This may prove to be a watered-down offensive year in many regards, but the standings will be like Jason Giambi’s waistline circa 2006. Dan Marino’s record stood this long for a reason. Is it any coincidence that a 34-year-old 3-time champion quarterback on a strictly passing offense is about to take that record out on his yacht, feed it expensive steaks, vacation with it to Maui, have lots of sex with it, probably videotape said sex and hide it in a safety deposit box in Canada, only to cheat on it with another record and break its fucking heart? No. No goddamn way, man.

Root all you want for vets like Brady and rooks like Newton — just remember the NFL sort of tinkered with the formula to make it all happen.

- The Angry Sportsfan

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Most Valuable Pitcher?

Question marks always get people’s attention. Now allow me to kind of answer my own question.

Everybody who has a pulse already knows that steroids are a controversial subject in the baseball world. Unless you’re a two-bit fuckface, which then I believe it’s safe to assume, you don’t know anything about shit (not actual shit, mind you - more in the general sense). Steroids ruined the game, and not just in bulging statistical ways – but in aftershocks the game is now witnessing first-hand.

Oh yes, ‘tis true. Check it, bitches: the last time a pitcher won an MVP award? 1992. It was Dennis Eckersley, who won it as a reliever for Oakland – and he also took home the Cy Young for the American League. Last time a starting pitcher won the MVP? 1986. Roger Clemens picked that up in his third season as a Red Sox. Now, the last time a pitcher - starter or reliever - won the MVP in the National League?

That would be 1968, famously known as the “Year of the Pitcher” (not in China, however). Bob Gibson took home the award, as well as the NL Cy Young, during what was arguably his greatest season in St. Louis.

Now, why the hell am I bringing all this up? Simple: Justin Verlander deserves recognition as not just an AL Cy Young prospect, but an AL MVP vote-getter, too.

The steroid era was ushered in after Eckersley’s two-shot award-winning season, and ever since, the award has primarily been seen as one that goes to big-time offensive players. Understandable, seeing how guys like Albert Pujols and yes, even Barry Bonds have been juggernaut superstars with ridiculous numbers. Inflated stats aside, we have yet to see a designated hitter win the award; so obviously, it ain’t all about what one does at the plate.

Which begs the question, why not let a pitcher, starter or reliever, win the fucking thing? Verlander has been as good as anyone this season, and without him in the rotation, the Detroit Tigers would be mediocre and the White Sox would be leading the AL Central. Typically, the snobby asshole dickbags who vote for the Baseball Writers Association of America (BBWAA) consider all pitchers to solely be in the running for the Cy Young – and that’s it. No consideration, no lines re-drawn - punch your ticket and suck our dicks, we rule this town sucka.

In 1999, one of the greatest MVP thieveries in the history of all humanity occurred when Ivan Rodriguez, the elderly journeyman who was then the catcher for the Texas Fucksticks (I mean, Rangers), won the AL MVP over Boston’s Pedro “I’m Your Daddy” Martinez. Pedro owned everyone his second season with the BoSox, and kept it going in 2000. He was your daddy before the quote became fashionable.

His ERA was 2.07 (1999) and 1.74 (2000). He had five complete games in ’99, but added two more in 2000 for a grand total of 7 - or 12 in two seasons. Compared to his one shutout in ’99, he had 4 of them in 2000. Here’s where it gets pretty fucking impressive though: he gave up less than 50 earned runs and only 9 homers in ’99. NINE. Total! The whole goddamn season! During the steroid era! In 2000, he gave up 17 - however, he still kept his total earned runs under 50. Out of 835 batters, he struck out 313 of them. Pedro was not fucking around. Whether or not he was frightened about the Y2K scare, we’re not sure. That could explain why 2000 was such an “off” season for him though…

Comparatively, Rodriguez batted over .300, had 35 home runs, 199 hits and 113 RBIs. He continued to bat fairly well the next couple seasons, but never delivered such consistency like he did in 1999. Neither of the MVPs that season led their team to a championship, but that doesn’t take shit away from either – both killed it, but while Pedro managed to place 2^nd in total votes in 1999’s epic season, he placed 5^th the next year, despite putting up nearly identical stats (a juiced-up Jason Giambi would win for the AL that year).

Here’s my overall point (yes, I have one; fuck off – no, wait, not yet!): pitchers are just as valuable to their team’s overall success as much as offensive players are. Considering the game is in the second-coming of a pitcher’s era, why not include them? There are no stipulations in the voting rules that state pitchers aren’t allowed to win. The BBWAA have simply segregated them from the entire goddamn deal.

It’s racist, really. Okay, well, if positions were race, it would be. Not that I’m trying to say… well, I suppose I am saying that. Listen, wait, let me… alright… full disclosure? I’m merely trying to be ‘in your face,’ ‘edgy’ and ‘controversial,’ alright? Let me have this. Gotta get my name out there somehow. Race is always “hot-button” with the sports media.

The similarities between Pedro’s magnificent 1999 season and Justin Verlander’s current season are pretty remarkable (in both positives and negatives). Not just because the Tigers won’t win a championship like the Red Sox that year, or even the age both pitchers did it at: Verlander simply performs at a high-rate, pushes batters to their limits and the team wins when he’s on the mound. That doesn’t mean he gets batters to shit their pants when they face him (he’s given up a decent amount of runs, as have other top starters), but he goes deep into games and doesn’t show signs of weakness.

Case in point: He is the first pitcher since 2002 to win 20 games before September. He pitched a no-hitter in May, and the very next start, he pitched a perfect game into the 6^th inning. One month later, he took another no-hitter into the 8^th. A month and a half later? He did it again, like it was an encore and Aerosmith left the stage without singing “Sweet Emotion,” but you turn to your buddy and you’re all like, “No way they’re gonna leave without singing—” and then, before you can finish your sentence, the crowd erupts as you hear that bass riff, and everybody is going, like, fucking out of their minds, like “OHMAGAWD THEY’RE REALLY PLAYING IT!!!”

Ahem. Sorry. Anyway, what I was trying to get across was that’s fucking manly man tiger blood shit! 14 of his 20 wins come after Tiger losses, like he’s some good luck charm. He also probably ejaculates cake frosting and his farts break the sound barrier. Dude is just one badass motherfucker, and that’s that.

Now, he’s not a strike out pitcher – he’s no Randy Johnson. He is a hard-throwing guy who commands each batter and has proven on numerous occasions he moonlights as a real estate agent, because he owns that plate.

The biggest dilemma for him? He’s not the only solid pitcher out there right now. Both the Angels’ Jared Weaver and the Yankees’ C.C. Sabathia are killing it out there, too. Boston’s Josh Beckett is doing it as well, albeit to a much lesser extent and if he wins anything over those three? I will kill every BBWAA member with a rosin bag used as a means of suffocation. That’s how Babe Ruth died. Look it up. He was into the same weird shit Bob Crane was into.

So if, say, Sabathia wins the AL Cy Young – which he probably will because every BBWAA voter will feel he deserves it after losing last year – what does Verlander get? MVP is as much his as it is Curtis Granderson’s (who will likely win it for the Yankees), but should a team’s postseason success make a difference to voters?

That’s an entirely new debate for another day. Quit hassling me, I’m not Peter Gammons, okay? I only have so much I can elaborate on! One topic at a time, please!

I believe an MVP award should be rewarded to those individuals who make an impact on their team’s overall performance, no matter his position. Is Verlander an essential member of his team? You bet your healthy head of hair he is. Is Granderson? Certainly. Does Sabathia deserve Cy Young recognition as much as Verlander? Fuckin’ right he does – and vice versa.

All I’m saying is, don’t rule Verlander out because he’s wading in the middle of the major league kiddie pool. He’s a candidate for either award – both, actually – and if the BBWAA crew keeps segregating the awards like they have been for nearly 20 years… then my Most Valuable Prickass award will be unanimously handed out to each and every one of those dicknoses… with a personally signed rosin bag to follow.

- The Angry Sportsfan