March 2012
1 post
8 tags
The Peyton Conspiracy
Does Peyton Manning’s release from the Colts really surprise anybody? Sure, the eternal optimists in the back row wanted Peyton to retire a one-team man, but like any relationship, shit got real ugly when one of the people involved just started throwing everything that belonged to both them into the trash. And why is there another team’s number in here, HUH PEYTON?! Care to explain...
November 2011
4 posts
14 tags
Three's Company: Because Craig T. Nelson Puns...
Who is Jack Tripper in this scenario? Urban Meyer probably. He seems like he’d be the wisecracking flirt who has to pretend he’s gay in order to live with two girls. That makes Rich Rodriguez Chrissy and Bobby Valentine wacky neighbor Larry. I never liked Janet, so let’s just pretend she died and the show is now about Jack, Chrissy & Larry. It’s funnier that way.
Urban...
6 tags
Penn State Con't: I'll Eat Some Crow, But You Have...
This is the presentment for the whole Jerry Sandusky Grand Jury deal.
I want to make a few things very clear, because, well… this story means a lot to me.
I do not condone what the university, school president, athletic director or Joe Paterno failed to do. Their actions were in poor taste and much more could have obviously been done to prevent this.
The more I read, the more something...
7 tags
Penn State Scandal: Legends Never Die, But...
I have been a loyal Penn State football fan since I was 11 years old. In 1994, the Nittany Lions went 12-0 during the regular season but finished second in the rankings due to a miscoached game against Indiana to finish out the year.
Despite all that, I became enthralled with the mystique, the tradition and the sanctimonious lore of Penn State football. I wanted to live in Happy Valley and...
11 tags
Ryan's World Series Write Up! AKA David Freese...
You’ve had one whole week to digest the St. Louis Cardinals’ miraculous and surprising victory to take the World Series title for the 11th time. Allow our very own Ryan “Big Gulp” Riddell to put it all in perspective.
In the morning of the 27th whilst I was clocking into my day job, I received a text message from my Roommate:
“Hey, is there any way you could be out...
October 2011
4 posts
17 tags
Ryan's Championship Series Run-Down (AKA What Is...
Well, it seems as though the Major League Championship Series has led us to a few thoughts:
1. Albert Pujols, after a rough beginning to the season, has finally decided to come back and force his will upon you. You will obey. And he will silence you as needed. And by opening day 2012, he will be able to buy all of us and have us dress up as giant chess pieces and cater to his whims.
2. Pitching...
5 tags
The NBA: Notoriously Boring Assholes
The empire is growing, my friends. The Angry Sportsfan is proud to welcome Corey, our newest blogger, who will contribute any & all pieces of (un)popular opinion here. Like the Moral Minority on our podcast, Corey will enlighten readers with insightful, well-versed, less-obscenity-laced articles on topics ranging from the NFL to the NBA to even the NHL! Finally, someone who knows hockey stuff!...
14 tags
Halladay On Holiday: Ryan's NLDS Wrap-Up
The Angry Sportsfan is proud to announce we have a new writer for the blog. His name is Ryan and he’s just as foul-mouthed & poetic as I am. He will provide all sorts of opinion pieces and insult-laced analyses, entertaining a nation of dozens, not including either of our parents (thank fuck!). An additional voice to the Angry arsenal, Ryan will be the ALF to my Willy Tanner. If that...
15 tags
NFL Stats: Adjust For Inflation
There’s been sort of a ying & yang to this oddly unsettling NFL season thus far. Five weeks in and it’s fairly obvious coaches are basically relying entirely on their respective starting QB’s arm. If you’re the Patriots or the Packers, yeah, okay — that shit works for you. If you’re the Chiefs or the Broncos, well, go ahead and start drawing up your...
September 2011
1 post
13 tags
Most Valuable Pitcher?
Question marks always get people’s attention. Now allow me to kind of answer my own question.
Everybody who has a pulse already knows that steroids are a controversial subject in the baseball world. Unless you’re a two-bit fuckface, which then I believe it’s safe to assume, you don’t know anything about shit (not actual shit, mind you - more in the general sense). Steroids ruined the game,...
August 2011
1 post
7 tags
Kickoff To The End of the World
Player safety in the NFL has reached, well, a critical point in the league’s history. Pending lawsuits from retired players (including ex-Bears QB Jim McMahon), major concussive injuries, assholes who just like being assholes and hitting the shit out of every starting quarterback named Tom Brady – it’s all a big conundrum. According to the league, 30% of all football injuries occur during the...
July 2011
1 post
3 tags
Get Off of My Field/Court/Rink (and Into Your Car)
A couple weeks ago, Seattle Seahawks WR Golden Tate stirred up some controversy on his Twitter account after saying this comment in regards to the most useless awards show since anything on Spike TV: “Jimmy johnson up for best athlete???? Um nooo .. Driving a car does not show athleticism.”
Predictably, NASCAR and the fans were in an uproar. If the most shocking thing about all this...
June 2011
1 post
UPDATE: Changes in order...
Not to get all gross and technical on you, but I have decided it was time to kill off the Sportsfan Cometh in order for the pregnant-beast (turns out it was a she!) to birth it’s offspring, the Angry Sportsfan.
Tumblr would not allow me to post pics, so go ahead and use your own imagination. Picture rainbows, kitties and Disney-esque forest creatures perched in trees, watching Mother...
January 2011
1 post
6 tags
Time to Grab Your Cleveland Streamers
Let it go already, man.
You think Brett Favre loves drama? You think Mr. Wrangler Jeans himself bathes this heavily in the satisfaction of being a total dickcheese?
No. No, my friends, only one fuckface this arrogant, this shallow, this royally asinine could engulf himself in such tepid and altogether nonsensical drama like this.
But don’t you dare speak ill of LeBr-Yawn or else, I...
September 2010
3 posts
8 tags
Heisman Go Byes-man Due to Lies, Man
Let me just say this front and center. Fuck USC. Fuck them so hard. In their stinky, stinky buttholes.
I will never like them. Not just because they rejected my college application either. Okay, well, maybe that has a little something to do with it. I wrote a great essay, too. Well, I mean… I copy and pasted it. But dude, the font size and margins were all fucked up, so I had to, like, fix...
10 tags
Noisey Hate
So, I need to know which is cooler: hating on Boise State or loving Boise State unconditionally? Just curious which side of the fence to place my new lawn chair with detachable beer koozy.
As far as I’m concerned, you’re all fucking stupid.
“Nehhhh I hate Boise State because they’re always the underdogs people root for! Plus, how ugly is that turf?” NO FUCKING SHIT...
4 tags
Pros vs Joes: The Pros and Cons Edition
If you’re one of the assholes on the mangerial side of the NFL, I’m sure the idea of an 18-game regular season schedule gets your goalposts rock-hard. However, if you’re one of the guys on the field who actually has to play all 18 games, then you’re likely reading a pamphlet on the advantages of killing yourself.
In all honesty, you could make the NFL regular season...
August 2010
1 post
9 tags
The Red C
When I say the name Joey Votto to the average asshole, they assume I’m talking about one of the lesser-known cast members on Jersey Shore. This is what bugs me most about ESPN: while focusing all their time onto (another) Tiger Woods divorce update or Brett Favre truckside chat, they overlook what they ought to be hammering into every American sports fans’ brain. That is to say, the...
July 2010
5 posts
19 tags
The Color Purple, and Other Reasons the NFL Needs...
Lots of crap going on lately, what with the Strasburg controversy, the incredible stupidity of the Phillies (they liken to their fans, apparently) and something about A-Rod. Who cares about him anymore? I know, asterisks are people too, but can you really celebrate 600 homers when at least half of ‘em are under scrutiny?
With training camp starting for the NFL, I wanted to take this time to...
11 tags
A Little Tribute to the Other "Boss"
Despite my usual discourse for anything related to the New York Yankees, I suppose it would be in bad taste if I didn’t say something about the passing of George Steinbrenner. And if there’s anything that describes me best, it’s being in good taste. That’s just the sort of guy I am.
The consummate professional, Steinbrenner was known for being ruthlessly courageous and...
cassusriff asked: Fuck the NBA, let's talk NFL. Give your take on the NFC West this season? Who wins and what record will it take? 8-8? 9-7? Thoughts on each team and the season they will have and if anyone else in the NFC is going to surprise. Go.
30 tags
Vuvuzela Your Brains Out
Miami Heat are like that one friend you have whose first time at a casino goes over really well, and the more he builds his pot, the more he pushes his luck. He keeps throwing in chips even though you know damn well he’s in over his head. Someone needs to tell the Heat organization to just take it all in and settle down. They’re so hopped up on this goddamn King’s Decision...
14 tags
R.I.P. Cleveland
What an asshole. After all the endless speculation, enormous hype and ego-stroking… finally - the dust has settled on this stupid “Summer of LeBron” bullshit. Guess summer was only a week long this year.
In what has to be one of the most irrational, deceptive and all-around obnoxious stunts in recent sports history (with all apologies to Brett Favre’s post-retirement...
June 2010
9 posts
27 tags
Headlines & 'Cocks
South Carolina Gamecocks won their first College World Series in dramatic fashion, beating UCLA in 11 innings last night. The only reason this is noteworthy is due to all of the sure-to-follow euphemism-laden headlines in all sports publications around the nation: “Bruins ‘Cock-blocked”; “‘Cocks Come Up Huge in 11”; “Bruins Look Blue After 11-in...
18 tags
France Sucks, Go USA
The NBA Draft was last night, and it was about as exciting & unpredictable as your typical Family Matters episode. That is to say, it was boring. Jay Bilas creamed over each pick, all the draftees were chosen in precisely the order people thought they would be and David Stern still looks like the corrupt mayor of a troubled metropolitan city in a comic book.
John Isner is having a wild week....
21 tags
Being a Lakers Fan Must Be Easy
Congratulations to the Los Angeles Wankers - I mean, Lakers - on their 16th NBA championship title. I just want to do what I always do and take part of the credit on this one, by reiterating that I called this way back in October. Who else could have called the Lakers winning another championship and Kobe grabbing the Finals MVP trophy, huh? I know I don’t have any documented proof of this,...
13 tags
Last Hockey Post 'til Fall(ish)
Great news everyone! The Chicago Blackhawks won their first Stanley Cup trophy since 1959 1961 (EDIT: cool math, bro)! The world rejoices - even those who exclaim, “WHO?!” Once I tell them they are a professional hockey team, they say, “HUH?!” Then I let them know they have not won in a very, very long time and they get excited and buy t-shirts, jerseys, ‘like’...
11 tags
Like Pitching to a Brick Wall
Somebody corrected me today to let me know that, indeed, Stephen Strasburg is married. So I guess his stupid marriage analogy after last night’s epic debut does hold some water with him.
All I could think about when I heard he’s 21 and newly married is… really? Maybe he has a hell of an arm, but what a dumbass. He hasn’t even had time to enjoy the ample amounts of...
14 tags
Hump Day Headlines
Sports world been all abuzz with news lately. As the great Warren G once rhymed, “Rack ‘em up, crack ‘em up, stack ‘em up against the gate.”
Stephen Strasburg impressed a sold-out crowd in Washington for his much-ballyhooed debut last night. The Nationals also impressed everyone by filling every seat for the first time since the stadium was constructed. Nevermind the...
8 tags
Tribute to the Wizard
Wanted to take a moment to send out some kind words about the passing of a legend in the sports world this weekend, John Wooden. Notably the college basketball world’s most prolific and inspirational coach, the Wizard wasn’t simply a basketball guru - he was a mentor, a guide, a teacher and a friend to some of the greatest players ever to adorn the hardwood.
A fantastic player at...
8 tags
Griffey in '96 ... and Forever!
I was fortunate enough to had grown up in, arguably, the last great era of major league baseball. Let’s face it - too many scandals and too many errs in players’ ways have led to the modern era as being, well… lacking. There are guys like Albert Pujols, Ichiro and Derek Jeter - guys who still play an honest game and make it look easy. There are Roy Halladays, Felix...
30 tags
Tuesday News Nuggets
Lots to catch up on this week. Let’s get this shit started!
Chicago Blackhawks are my bandwagon team for this year’s Stanley Cup Finals. I’m sure Obama’s with me, since Obama:Chicago::Bush:Texas. They are playing terrific, um, puck and since they haven’t won since Eisenhower was in office… it’d be nice for them to touch Sir Stanley’s giant holy...
May 2010
5 posts
8 tags
Barren-Zone-a
I hate the Arizona Cardinals.
They sucked for two decades, lost a Super Bowl to a rapist and still continue to believe their shit doesn’t stink.
It’s mainly because of that bastard Kurt Warner. He might be a kindly saint, but I hate him. Because I’m an asshole, remember?
His stupid haircut. That trophy wife of his that’s on TV more than Jessica Simpson’s fat...
9 tags
Paging Jerry Falwell
Olympic mascots continue to get fucking weirder and weirder.
Meet your 2012 Olympic mascots, Wenlock and Mandeville. Weren’t those two of the streets Jack the Ripper terrorized in the 1890’s?
The Brits are gnarly folks. I’m not quite sure what sort of hallucinogenics they pass back and forth between one another, but goddamn, they come up with some oddball shit.
Something...
12 tags
The King is Dead...Tired of Speculation
Which do you think ESPN and the rest of the sports media world will focus on more in the coming months ahead: the MLB, the Stanley Cup, the NBA Finals & whatever jackass comment Phil Jackson has to say… or what sandwich LeBron James had for lunch and how that coincides with his decision on where to play next year?
“He’s eating a Reuben! He’ll definitely be a...
6 tags
File Under: Never Been Kissed
Any time life imitates art, it’s scary to witness people think they can get away with such high-concept stupidity. That’s why this story of (SPOILER ALERT!) a 22 year old guy posing as a high school basketball star is so hysterical. And pathetic. And creepy. And another good reason to keep a watchful eye on your teenage daughter.
Now it’s not like he was Teen Wolf or anything....
23 tags
Monday Headliners: What do Tigers (and Griffey Jr)...
After avoiding this dump heap for a week, here is the latest on the sports world’s major headlines.
Tiger Woods has pulled out… of the Players Championship. Yes, I stole that from the New York Post, but any chance to rip on Tiger’s ego is worth every moment I type it up. Tiger denies his tender neck has any relation to his Thanksgiving day parade accident in front of his house....
April 2010
9 posts
12 tags
Best LT of ALL-TIME!!!
Paraphrasing that drunk loudmouth Kanye West, yes… it is true. The greatest offensive left tackle to ever play in the NFL, Walter Jones, officially retired today. Turns out that when you “tweet” your retirement, that can’t be taken as an official announcement. How annoying. You have to fill out all this paperwork and, like, talk to newspapers and shit. Stupid rules and...
18 tags
NFL Rough Drafts
Today I will be sharing ten insightful thoughts I took away from the first round of the 2010 NFL Draft. Now the title makes more sense. Or it’s just asinine. Ugh. I waste all my “creative” energy on this shit rather than the title…
1. Tim Tebow hangs out on the set of MTV’s “reality show” Jersey Shore.
2. Mike Mayock is the best draft analyst, period. I...
24 tags
You're Killing Me, NBA
Normally, the NBA is a hotbed for headlines and hooligans. So I guess the real question here is: WHAT THE FUCK NBA?! Too busy with your “playoffs” to not stir up any real headlines?! Fuck you, goddamn it! Where’s a rich Oklahoman, Karl Malone or refusal to stand for the pledge of allegiance when you need one?!
Even Rasheed fucking Wallace is keeping his cool. That’s just...
17 tags
Gagne With the Wind
Seth Rogen look-alike Eric Gagne is retiring. In case you’re not a Dodger fan (and if you have a brain, you’re not) or don’t remember his short but pissed-on career… he was a pitcher. One time, a long time ago. At least, it seems that way. In fact, he was pretty fucking good… for a little while. I think that crappy Geena Davis show where she played the President...
11 tags
Can Marlins Fly?
Scott Stapp is hilarious. The lead “singer” for Crud, I mean Creed, thought it would be a brilliant idea to write a theme song for the Florida Marlins.
He also thought it would be brilliant to start a band, so naturally, he’s just an ironic comedian, like Andy Kaufman or something.
His anthem is titled “Marlins Will Soar,” which in case you’re not a bumbling...
16 tags
One Night in Dallas
Jerry Jones, resident blowhard and Gary Busey impersonator, is in the news because he’s a tired old cocksucker who talks shits.
Is this even news? Is this recent leaked video footage of Jones (who, in case you’re a fucking idiot, owns the most retarded team in the NFL) rubbing Tony Romo’s small dick with coconut word lotion and subsequently bashing former coach Bill Parcells...
14 tags
Marshall Lawyer'd
Criminal and part-time athlete Brandon Marshall was traded to the Miami Dolphins this morning. In typical Miami fashion, it was a steal. See, I say that because all the people who live in Miami are either rich idiots with an entourage, drug dealers or fake Latinos. So Brandon Marshall will obviously love it there, because he likes to dabble in breaking the law from time to time.
This isn’t...
9 tags
Haters Gon' Hate
When Tiger Woods isn’t acting like a crybaby on the green, the media loves to center its attention on Milton Bradley (or his middle finger).
Yeah yeah, we all know how much of a prick he can be. So was Carl Everett. But since he was about as bright as that walking fetus with lips Sarah Palin, people just laughed at him and moved on.
Everyone has been jumping down Bradley’s throat...
7 tags
Douchelisberger
Ben Roethlisberger is a dick. Not because he’s won two Super Bowls, one against the team I support (Seahawks). No, it’s because his giant bobblehead thinks he’s balls-out awesome. I mean, seriously, look at his head — it’s fucking enormous! His nickname, “Big Ben,” is not because he’s 6’13” or has a rattlesnake cock — it’s...